im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
