3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize