Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
