My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
MIDGETS
????
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
