I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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