I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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