my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
