The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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