I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
