I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
