it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
