Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
