I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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