I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
