so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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