Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
