got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
