Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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