my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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