The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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