I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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