i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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