I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
