best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize