Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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