Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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