Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize