My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
