I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
