My liver just broke up with me...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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