I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize