everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
