i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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