I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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