20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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