After last night, I could never be a politician.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
