I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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