Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
