Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
