I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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