if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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