Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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