I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
