the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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