Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
