While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
