guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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