How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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