you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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