I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
