This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
