i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
