You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My feet surprised me
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