Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
